I really need to change my mindset about what being a good mom is. I was going to post about this before school started, but I got really emotional.
When I found out I was pregnant with Eli around August of 2016, I decided to still attend Fall of 2016, but take off Spring of 2017 since I was due April 15, which was actually two weeks before finals. That would not have been good? Plus, I actually gave birth March 31 and went through Postpartum Depression for a while, so that was not good at all. Going back to school would not have been an option. I was pretty lucky. I had about 6 months with Eli before I had to go back. He was about to turn 6 months when Fall semester of 2017 started.
It was very hard to leave him. Knowing I wouldn’t see him all the time broke my heart, but I really wanted to finish school, get my degree, take the boards, catch my dream, and work hard for my family. I sucked it up.
I was super excited for winter break to come, cause that meant more time with Eli and I did. I spent a whole month with him, He was sick for like a week, but that’s when I got the most cuddles and cuddles are always great.
FOR SOME REASON THOUGH, IT WAS HARDER LEAVING HIM THIS TIME. Way harder than leaving him the first time. I think it was because he was super clingy to me during the entire break and he knew me and smiled every morning he would wake up next to me. He chose me over anyone, even over Fitz. He loved bath time with me and he just loved playing with me and we really bonded over break. This is when I got really emotional.
The night before class started I started telling myself I was a horrible mother. I was a horrible mother because instead of taking care of him, he’s in daycare most of the week while I’m in school. I started thinking that the definition of being a good mother is being with your baby 24/7. I hate when I start thinking like that because then I can’t focus on school.
Until now I still think about it just a little bit. I just want things to be easier.